IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Agent: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Agent: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60
different prices
up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Agent: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Agent: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Agent: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Agent: You would have to start very late at night in about 3
weeks. But
you
will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week
and
continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!

Agent: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Agent: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell
only a
certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the
way, the
price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12
paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Agent: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of
times a day,
and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your
paint
yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your
paint as
soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have
enough.

Agent: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't
use it,
there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you
already
have.

Customer: WHAT?

Agent: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom,
hall and
north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the
bedroom, you
will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I
already
paid you for it!

Agent: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is
used,
every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens
if I
don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Agent: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the
$200
paint.

Customer: But what are all these "Paint on sale from $10 a
quart" signs?

Agent: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in
gallons. One
$5 gallon will do half a room. The second gallon to complete the
room is
$20.None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are
no
refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere
else!

Agent: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for
your
bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from
someone
else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and
stairway
from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you
paint in
only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Agent: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which
you
started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint
in one
direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Agent: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference
on your
next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Agent: Thanks for painting with United.