How I lost my religion by hitting an animal

Around five years ago, I was in a religious kick.
Buddhism, Taoism, etc., if it was an Eastern or pagan
religion, I had a least read something about it.

I was seriously looking into paganism (not Wiccan;
there's a difference) when, while driving home one
night, I felt my car hit something. Oh, no, ran
through my mind as I U-turned into the opposite lane.
Sure enough, a few yards down, on the other lane,
there was a dead raccoon. I got out of my car and
approached it cautiously but ready to bolt.

R. once told me there's a palpable difference when
something once alive dies. I didn't fully understand
it until I saw the creature. I debated about picking
up the body to put into my car and bury it but just
couldn't. Instead, as I drove home that night, I lost
whatever remaining faith I had in divinity.

Even now I can't fully explain it. I believe a lot of
it had to do with the advice I received after the
incident. R. gave comforting words; my pagan
companions offered emotional support and prayers. But
all I felt was...nothing. No, scratch that, anger.
Anger at what so-called "benevolent deity" would allow
the accident to happen in the first place. Does a
parent allow their child into the street during
traffic hour? Was this suppose to be some sort of
"lesson" to teach me...what? That there's death in the
world or bad things happen to good people? There's a
big difference between slapping a child's hand when
they've been naughty versus torturing them.

Other pagans pointed to the "eternal" cycle of life,
death, rebirth. I understood that but, even more so,
realized just how "impersonal" was that force. Why
worship a so-called deity when your prayers have no
impact on its "decisions" on who lives and dies?
Worship just because we're alive by its whim? I'm
sorry, but that smacks me of parent-child relationship
and I'm not a child anymore. Besides, what child
whoreships a parent who, arbitrarily and no
explanation, kills creatures and allows evil in the
world to flourish?

R. said it best years later that we--humanity--were
created, then abandoned, by God. Which is good;
orphans realize they have to rely on themselves
instead of pining away for a "parent" who'll never
return.

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