Dear Santa:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every
year,
playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy
bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too
many tea
parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY
PAYBACK
TIME! There had better be some changes around here by next
Christmas, or
I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you
won't wanna
be around to smell it).

So, here's my holiday wish list:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
sweat
shirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
these
bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels
like to
have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably
white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation
underwear to
my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo
over that
wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that
earring
anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him
(and me)

anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned
Ken-wimp
away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to
twist,
just get it done.
6. A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut
it. How
about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account
exec.
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with
a
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and
a bag
of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
outfitted
with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie",
sporting a
removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my
vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years. I think I deserve
it.
Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to
society,
I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree,
then you
can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that
simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie