Humor: Funeral Procession

Two jokes for the price of one today


A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."



_______________________________________________________
A Woman's Prayer:

Dear Lord,
I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.

And the quest begins...

Whatever

Followed up with one agency regarding the interview with the client last week. Went through, surprising both of us. The client apparently thought I had too much help desk experience to write their help desk documentation and optioned to go with the candidate with more tech writing experience but lacking help desk experience.

In the words of Bugs Bunny(?): "humans are the craziest people."

Moving on...

Followed up with another agency and scheduled an interview with them today.

Latest and greatest

From Tuesday

Words
Currently reading Ship of Magic by Hobb and Age of Chaos by Wylie. Debating if I want to start Elf Child by Pierce and Grave Peril by Butcher.

My own writing's currently slacked at the moment as we prep for the Festival of Books.

Weights
Eating lots of soup.

Did a lot of housework (see below) and the efforts seemed to have affected my lower back. No pain but twinges. Gotta hit the weights again!


Whatever
Spent at least six hours clearing my side of the bed. Yikes! I have at least five feet of stacked workout mags. And do I really have that many role-playing games (rpgs) and comic books? I easily have four stuffed plastic bags (the big ones) full of paper trash.

Got a call from one of my temp agencies. Unfortunately, no news about the jobs I was interested in. They offered a couple of other positions but a) I wasn't qualified (i.e., no Photoshop experience) or b) I can't work this weekend. I called a few friends of mine to see if they were interested in any of the positions but no bites.

Oh! Got a letter from my prior health insurer. Apparently I can assume coverage. I didn't know this was possible. Yeah!

Chatted with a goodly number of friends either on the phone or in the flesh. Sanity after working indoors all day.

Humor: Watching what you say


Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words
back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Well don't feel too badly
about it, because you are NOT alone! Here are the testimonials of a few people
who have Lived to tell about their major faux pas!!!

1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned
around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he
knew better.

2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several
minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at
the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and
said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at
your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I
turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after
receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her
that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror,
she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't
let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee
last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my
dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard
when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

5. Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was
very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something
funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was
clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked
him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child
has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW
that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo,
I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped
up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE
MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos
laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me
feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

6. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before
she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true
story...We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8
inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but
half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Now, didn't that feel good?

Random for the day

here i am waiting for u

Yikes! This brought back memories of my college journals. Was I that whiny back then?

Latest and greatest

Words
As I stated in a previous entry, I finished the Lightless Kingdom by Jonathan Wylie. I promised a review. (WARNING: Spoilers.)

Lightless Kingdom continues months after the events chronicled in the first book, Dreams of Stone. Gemma dwells back in the Valley of Knowing. Arden is presumed dead though she can't/won't believe it. She then gets visions that he may still be alive while, coincidently, the underground from the Great Newport track her down. A new overlord has taken over the city and they need her help to stop him/her. She joins them after some persuasion after several adventures of her own.

Arden is not dead, of course. He finds himself miles deep underground, barely alive. He's rescued by what seems to be an underground race of humans. They nurse him back to health and he assists them with their own problems. A toxic waste is encroaching on their civilization while the genocidal "Grey Riders" and their 'demons' are hunting them down from the surface world. Arden solves both issues in time for both races to face the new overlord of Great Newport. And just in time as well: Gemma is captured by enemy forces. It is only after final discovery of her role in the coming chaos does Gemma find the strength to stop the enemy and reunite with Arden but she realizes it's only temporary.

I have mixed feelings about the Lightless Kingdom. On a positive note, the writing and editing are far superior to the first novel. Sentences transition cleanly and paragraphs don't just hang there. And there's more 'meat' in the book: more descriptions, more characterization, and more scenes without sacrificing the length which I find appealing about the book. This extra includes lots of hints: greater detail about Gemma's emerging magics, her background; revelations about Arden; and more involving the ongoing mystery of the south. And the Lightless Kingdom (name given by Arden to the underground dwellers' home) is a fascinating culture unlike those normally found in most fantasy and even science-fiction (which, while hinted, is beginning to show in the series.) And the mystery about the world--first introduced in Dreams of Stones--is still not solved.
But more is not necessarily better. Unfortunately, the extra feels more like padding; despite the very short chapters and even scenes (chapter can easily be less than four pages), the words add very little, if anything, to the scene or the enjoyment of the story. I continually found similar paragraphs and scenes that I had to skip else I drop the novel.

I have started the third novel, the Ages of Chaos. I enjoy mysteries and ideas and there's enough in the series for me to complete the trilogy. I get the impression that, with a different approach or style of writing, the scenes could easily have scintillated more while maintaining the length of the book.

Weights
Cardio workout at South Coast. Broke into a sweat but the routine had too many complex movies to get moving. And the music was more to listen than groove.

Whatever
Completed a goodly number of chores today.

So far

Words
Finished reading The Lightless Kingdom by Jonathan Wylie. Review to shortly follow.

Whatever
Busy schedule today. Going to complete our refi paperwork. Pay bills. Deal with more omnipresent housework. Continue to look for a new job.

Sigh. Sometimes being a responsible adult stinks.

Saturday

Highlights

Light rain throughout the day and night.

Spouse drove up to work to deal with lots of paperwork.

Did some housework.

Did some timed writing exercises. Interesting. As an exercise, tried not to use "to be" (in any tense) and succeeded.

Very late night dinner. Bought a stuffed penguin for spouse, who loved it.