Words, Weights, Whatever

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

Wrote today. 805 words within an hour and a half. That's averages to a page per half hour. And I didn't stop for a break after the first page like I normally do; the words just flowed.

Writing regularly and reading. Oh, and sleep. That's what my Muse needs to keep me going.

It has been a while....

Update. My job at Sprint PCS came to an end on Friday, January 31st. Since then, I've been sleeping in and writing at the local Starbucks. Spouse's own job...well, let's say that's another story for another time. But the effect is that we've been spending many days together. (Which is good. There are some major changes in the horizon starting in March.)

While visiting Vromin's bookstore in Pasadena, I came across the The 5 Year Journal by Doreene Clement. I had first read about it in one of my Writer's Digest magazine. But to actually see it in print! I eagerly purchased it and have been, for the most part, faithfully entering highlights of my day. I can't wait to see what I have been doing over a five year time.

Besides eating out, we've spent a lot of time in bookstores, especially Barnes and Nobles. I've also checked out the local hobby stores. Overall, I've been disappointed with the latter. Not a lot of new and original stuff out there. I finally, though, purchased Maidenheim by Skald Books. Intriguing stuff.

What else? I finally finished The Golden Fool by Robin Hobb. Wow. And before, I finished Wheel of the Infinite by Martha Wells. Another Wow. Currently reading two more books (which I'll name once I find their author's website.)

Well, time to write. Later!

Sunday, February 09, 2003

Medical Lingo
(Terminology you need to know to make informed decisions about
your Health Care)

Artery.......................the study of paintings
Bacteria....................the back door of a cafeteria


Bowel.......................a letter like a, e, i, o, u
Caesarean Section...a neighborhood in Rome
Cat Scan..................searching for kitty


Cauterize..................made eye contact with her
Colic.........................a sheep dog
D&C.........................where Washington is
Dilate........................to live long
Enema......................not a friend


Genital.....................not a Jew
G.I. series.................soldier ball game
Hang nail..................coat hook
Impotent...................distinguished, well known


Labor pain................getting hurt a work
Medical Staff............a doctor's cane


Morbid.....................higher offer
Nitrates....................cheaper than day rates
Out Patient...............a person that fainted
Pap Smear...............a fatherhood test
Pelvis.......................a cousin of Elvis


Post Operative..........a letter carrier
Recovery Room........a place to do upholstery
Rectum....................dang neared killed him


Seizure....................Roman Emperor
Tablet......................a small table
Terminal Illness........getting sick at the airport


Tumor......................more than one
Urine........................opposite of you're out


Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Agent: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Agent: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60
different prices
up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Agent: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Agent: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Agent: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Agent: You would have to start very late at night in about 3
weeks. But
will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week
continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!

Agent: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Agent: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell
only a
certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the
way, the
price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Agent: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of
times a day,
and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your
yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your
paint as
soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have

Agent: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't
use it,
there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you

Customer: WHAT?

Agent: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom,
hall and
north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the
bedroom, you
will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I
paid you for it!

Agent: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is
every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens
if I
don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Agent: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the

Customer: But what are all these "Paint on sale from $10 a
quart" signs?

Agent: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in
gallons. One
$5 gallon will do half a room. The second gallon to complete the
room is
$20.None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are
refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere

Agent: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for
bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from
else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and
from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you
paint in
only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Agent: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which
started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint
in one
direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Agent: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference
on your
next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Agent: Thanks for painting with United.

The latest ATM scam involves thieves putting a thin, clear,
rigid plastic sleeve into the ATM card slot.
When you insert your card, the machine can't read the strip, so
it keeps asking you to
re-enter your PIN number. Meanwhile, someone behind you
watches as you tap in your number.
Eventually you give up, thinking the machine has swallowed your
card and you walk
away. The thieves then remove the plastic sleeve complete with
card,and empty your account. The way to avoid this is to run
your finger along the card slot before you put your card in. The
sleeve has a
couple of tiny prongs that the thieves need to get the sleeve
out of the slot, and you'll be able to feel them. The police
would like as many people as possible to be aware of this scam.

Oh, my:


>Subject: What's in a name
>A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. But what the heck," he says to himself, I really want a drink." When the gay bartender approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a
>drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies'." The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!" A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call yours?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?" Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and[exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" Cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN.

>Sent: Sunday, June 23, 2002 2:53 PM
>Subject: Hollywood Squares
>Subject: Hollywood Squares Comebacks
>These are from the days when game show responses were
>Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his
>tail. What will a goose do?
>A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
>Q: Do female frogs croak?
>A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water
>long enough.
>Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you
>detect light?
>A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.
>Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be
>at least how high?
>A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
>Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
>A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...
>Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably
>a man or a woman?
>A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
>Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and
>you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly
>and ask him if he's married?
>A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
>Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you
>get older?
>A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
>Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to
>say "I love you"?
>A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and
>a twenty.
>Q: What are "Do It," "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
>A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next
>Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you
>going to get any during your first year?
>A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy.
>growing strawberries!
>Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at
>nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
>A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
>Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
>A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
>Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with
>getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
>A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
>Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body
>- what is it?
>A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't
>Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than
>150 pounds?
>A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
>Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
>A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
>Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in
>them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What
>are they?
>A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Oh my goddess....

> 1943 Guide to Hiring Women
> > The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of
> Transportation
> > Magazine. This was serious and written for male supervisors
> women in
> the workforce during World War II - a mere 58 years ago!
> >
> > Obviously, the intent was not to be "funny," but by today's
> standards, this
> > is hilarious! For those of you with efficiency issues, pay
> attention to #8.
> > *********************
> >
> > Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women
> > =======================================
> > There's no longer any question whether transit companies
> hire women
> > for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower
shortage has
> settled
> > that point. The important things now are to select the
> efficient
> > women available and how to use them to the best advantage.
> >
> > Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from Western
> Properties:
> >
> > 1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a
sense of
> > responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they're less
> to be
> > flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing
it, they
> still
> > have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the
> efficiently.
> >
> > 2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who
> worked outside
> > the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have
> contacted
> > the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are
> > to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress
> older women
> > the importance of friendliness and courtesy.
> >
> > 3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those
who are
> just a
> > little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and
> than
> their underweight sisters.
> >
> > 4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special
> physical
> > examination - one covering female conditions. This step
not only
> protects
> > the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but
> whether the
> > employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make
> mentally or
> > physically unfit for the job.
> >
> > 5. Stress at the outset the importance of time; the fact
that a
> minute or
> > two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules.
> this
> point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.
> >
> > 6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of
> so that
> > they'll keep busy without bothering the management for
> instructions every
> > few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make
> workers
> > when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they
> initiative
> in finding work themselves.
> > 7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from
one job
> to
> another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to
be less
> nervous
> and happier with change.
> > 8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods
during the
> day. You
> > have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A
girl has
> more
> > confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair
> apply
> fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.
> > 9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making
> Women
> are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the
way men do.
> Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off
> efficiency.
> > 10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language
> women.
> Even though a girl's husband or father may swear
vociferously, she'll
> grow
> to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of

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