Several weekends ago, I was rushing around trying to do some
Valentine's Day shopping. I was stressed out and not thinking
very fondly of the weather right then. It was dark, cold, and
wet in the parking lot.

As I was loading my car up, I noticed that I was missing a
receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I
retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I was searching the
wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing.

The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12-
years-old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just
wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold
night's chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand.
Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him
what was wrong.

He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large
family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had
died when he was 9-years-old. His mother was poorly educated
and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support
her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and
save two hundred dollars to buy her children some Valentine's
Day presents (since she didn't manage to get them anything on
Christmas).

The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way
to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for
all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He
had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one
of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.

The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you?" I queried.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How
loud did you scream?" I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor
boy cry for help.


So I grabbed his other hundred dollars and ran to my car.


Sincerely,
Kenneth Lay
Former CEO, Enron

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals
on display.
While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to
a cage at
the side of the shop and took out a monkey.

He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying,
"That'll
be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said,
"That was
a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred
dollars.
Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C -
very fast,
tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's
even more
expensive - $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented
programming,
Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said
shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third
monkey in a
cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He
gasped to
the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put
together!
What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do
anything,
but it says it's a consultant."

An old but still odd article:

MANILA -- The death of a young actor in the
Philippines last week has put the spotlight on a
mystery ailment which kills healthy Asian men in their
sleep.

Filipinos call it bangungot or the nightmare syndrome.
Victims are heard moaning just before they die, which
is usually in the middle of the night, doctors say.

Romantic hero Ricardo Yan, 27, died in his sleep last
Friday.

Doctors said on Tuesday he died of hemorrhagic
pancreatitis leading to cardiac arrest. But there was
no word on why the ailment should strike an apparently
healthy young man.

Yan was on holiday at a beach resort with a group of
friends. Autopsy results showed he had drunk only a
moderate amount of alcohol, equivalent to about two
bottles of beer, prior to his death. There was no
evidence he had taken any drugs.

Filipino doctors -- who call bangungot the sudden
unexplained nocturnal death syndrome -- said it
generally strikes men between 30 to 40 years of age,
although the youngest known victim was only 17. Women
are usually not affected.

"We have not autopsied any woman who died of
bangungot," said Dr Edgardo Gueco, chief of the
national police medico-legal division. "Based on our
observations, the victims had eaten heavily or drunk
heavily before going to sleep," he said in a
television interview.

What happened during sleep was a mystery because the
bangungot victims never woke up, said cardiologist
Erdie Fadreguilan of the state-run Philippine General
Hospital.

"The findings were that something went wrong with the
rhythm of the heart while they were sleeping,"
Fadreguilan said, citing results of autopsies of 328
bangungot cases in the Philippines from 1957 to 1987.

In their last moments, the victims were usually heard
moaning or groaning in their sleep, as if suffering
from "some form of agony," he said. "We had no way of
knowing what happened because they did not survive."

Stranger still, bangungot usually claims its victims
at about 3 a.m., doctors said.

Fadreguilan said studies show bangungot cases occurred
mainly in Southeast Asian countries like the
Philippines, Vietnam and Laos, but a similar illness
had been reported among Japanese men.

In the United States, only Vietnamese refugees have
suffered from the condition, he said, but spurned a
theory it could have a cultural or hereditary
explanation.

"Even if you move to different places, like the
refugees going to the United States, the men can still
suffer from it," Fadreguilan said. "Whether they move
outside of their home country does not decrease the
risk of them suffering from it."

Local doctors believe a possible cause of the
condition could be the high carbohydrate diet of
Asians, who eat rice as their staple. But no one has
been able to pinpoint why rice should have any such
effect on a select few or why millions are unaffected.


In Manila, thousands of unbelieving fans flocked to
Yan's wake.

"This can't happen to him, this can't happen to me,
this can't happen especially to him," Yan's long-time
girlfriend actress, Claudine Barretto, told a
television station. "I couldn't believe it."

Copyright © 2001 Reuters Limited.

Running In The Rain
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed , grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly
discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.
So he started running along beside the others about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn't that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Only if it's raining."

Three Black Ladies

Three old black ladies were getting ready to take a plane across
the ocean.

The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gonna
wear me some hot
pink panties before I gets on that plane." "Why you gonna wear
dat?" the
other two asked. The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes
down and I'm
out there laying butt-up in a corn field, dey can find me
first."

The second lady says, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some
fluorescent orange
panties."
"Why you gonna wear dat?" the others asked. The second lady
answered: "Cause
if dis here plane is goin' down and I'm floating butt-up in the
ocean, dey
can see me first."

The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any
panties......
"What? No panties?!" the others said in disbelief. "Dat's right;
you heard
me. I'm not wearing any panties," the third lady said, "cause if
dis plane
goes down, dey always look for dat black box first!!!

Dilbert's Theorem on Salary states:
Engineers, Teachers, Programmers and Scientists can never earn
as much
salary as business executives and sales people.
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation
based on
the
following three postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power (Knowledge=Power)
Postulate 2: Time is Money (Time=Money)
Postulate 3 (as every Physics student knows): Power = Work/Time

It therefore follows: Knowledge = Work / Time
and since Time = Money,
we have: Knowledge = Work / Money

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity,
regardless of
the amount of Work done.

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make

>
>A business man got on an elevator in a tall building.
When he entered the
> elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she
greeted him
>by saying,
> "T-G-I-F"
>
> He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
>
> She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
>
> He acknowledged her remark again by answering,
"S-H-I-T."
>
> The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled
her biggest
>smile and
> said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.
>
> The man smiled back to her and once again answers
"S-H-I-T."
>
> The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this
time she
>said,
> "T-G-I-F. It means "Thank Goodness It's Friday". Get
it,
>duuhhh?"
>
> The man answered, "S-H-I-T -- "Sorry, Honey, It's
Thursday".
>duuhh!!

THE GENIE

A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined
with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband
cautioned,"Honey, be careful when you drive. *If we break one of
those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair."

Of course, she teed off and promptly shanked it right through
the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband
cringed, "I warned you to watch out! *Now we'll have to go up
there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going
to cost us."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said,
"Come on in." When they opened the door they saw glass all over
the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the
broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you
the people that broke the window?"

"Uh..., yeah, we're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You
see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a
thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to
grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep
the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest
of my life."

"No problem", said the genie, "You've got it. I have already put
a million dollars in your bank account. It's the least I can
do."

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in
every country in the world" she said.

"Consider it done. *The deeds are now in your name," the genie
said.

"And now," the couple both asked in unison, "what's your wish,
genie?" The genie thought for a minute and said, "Well, since
I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman
in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know
we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. *What do you
think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're
right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."

The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for
the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other
repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at
the wife and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35", she responded breathlessly.

"No kidding! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe
in genies?"

Kenny The Rooster

This farmer had about 200 chickens but no rooster so he goes down the
road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster named Kenny.
He'll service every chicken you've got, no problem."

Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides
he'd be worth it. So he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and
sets him down in the barnyard, and begins giving the rooster a pep talk.

"I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to
service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need
you to do a good job.

So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.
Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the henhouse
and Kenny took off like a shot.

WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and
the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion
in the duck pen. Sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer
sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again --
WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset, he sees Kenny out in the fields
chasing quails and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't
even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find
Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are
circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful
and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you
to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've
done to yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and
says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

Driving to town this morning on the Interstate, I

looked over to my left and there was a man in a brand

new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with his face up

next to his rear view mirror shaving his face! I

looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked

back he was halfway over in my lane, still working on

that dang beard!!! It scared me so bad I dropped my

mascara, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the

car using my knees against the steering wheel, it

knocked my cellphone away from my other ear which

fell into the coffee between my legs and DISCONNECTED

AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!!

DANG MEN DRIVERS!!!!!!

The BURIAL

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole
when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was
up to,he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully,
without looking up, "and I've just buried him."


The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully
big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"


Tim patted down the last heap of earth then
replied, "That's because he's inside your darn cat."

CRITICAL THINKING Foregone Conclusion:
A. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
B. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
C. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
D. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
E. Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English
that kills you.

Subject: Significance Of Oak Leaves!

A young Second Lieutenant approaches the crusty old Master
Sergeant
and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer
insignias. The
Sergeant replied, "Sir, it's history and tradition ...

>>First, for Second Lieutenant, we give you a gold bar
representing that
you are very valuable, and also malleable.

>>The silver bar for First Lieutenant also represents
significant value,
but is less malleable.

>>When you make Captain, your value doubles, hence the two
silver bars.

>>As a Colonel, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle.

>>As a General, you are, obviously, a star.

>>Does that answer your question, sir?"

>>"Yes," said the 2LT, "but what about Majors and Lieutenant
Colonels?"

>>"That, sir, goes waaaay back in history - to the Garden of
Eden.
>>You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves!

Subject: Minor Surgery

There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy
that his
testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always
complaining
about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to
the doctor to
see what could be done to relieve the problem.

The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him
what the
problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would
have a look.
The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the
examining
table,and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under
his left
testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the
usual method
to check for a hernia.

"Aha!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right
testicle,
he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and
reached for
his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side
then snip, snip,
snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with
amazement
that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget
to get dressed
and see if they still ached.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the
doc's office and
discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did
you do, Doc?"
he asked.

The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy
boots."

> An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading Rev.
Louis
> Farrakhan's newspaper. His best friend walks by,
sees the
> paper, and stops-in shock.
>
> "What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You
should be
> reading the Jewish Journal!"
> The elderly man replies, "The Jewish Journal has stories about
> anti-Semitism, problems in Israel - all kinds troubles of the
Jewish
> people. I like to read about good news. Farrakhan's paper says
the Jews
> have all the money ... the Jews control the banks ... the Jews
control the
> press ... the Jews control Hollywood...
> It's all good news!"
>

Courtroom Quickies

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court.

These are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down
and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of
staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these
are excellent
- don't miss the last one.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo
or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which
I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?>
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law
somewhere.

Dear kind-hearted friends:

Now that the holiday season has passed, please look into your
heart to help
those in need.

Enron executives in our very own country are living at or just
below the
seven-figure salary level. And, as if that weren't bad enough,
they will be
deprived of it as a result of the bankruptcy and current SEC
investigation.

But now, you can help! For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a
day (that's
less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help
an Enron
executive remain economically viable during his time of need.

This contribution by no means solves the problem, but it's a
start!

Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to an
Enron exec it
could mean the difference between a vacation spent sucking ass
in DC, golfing
in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred
dollars is
nothing more than rent, a car note or mortgage payments. But to
an Enron exec
$700 will almost replace his per diem.

Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable an Enron
exec to buy that
home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new
Ferrari, or
enjoy a weekend in Rio.

HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the
exec you
sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k),
real estate,
and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home.
You'll also get
information on how he plans to invest his golden parachute.
Imagine the joy
as you watch your executive's portfolio double or triple! Plus,
upon signing
up for this program, you will receive a photo of the exec
(unsigned-for a
signed photo, please include an additional $50.00). Put the
photo on your
refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.

HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?
Your Enron exec will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who
just wants to
help in a time of need. Although the exec won't know your name,
he will be
able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator
just in case
additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.

YES, I WANT TO HELP!
I would like to sponsor an Enron executive. My preference is
checked below:

[ ] Mid-level Manager
[ ] Director
[ ] Vice President (Higher cost; please specify which
department)
[ ] President (Even higher cost; please specify which
department)
[ ] CEO (Contribution:: Average Enron janitor monthly salary x
700)
[ ] Entire Company
[ ] I'll sponsor an Exec most in need. Please select one for me.

*It's just that easy so do it now!*

Please charge the account listed below ___________ per day and
send me
picture of the Enron executive I have sponsored, along with my
very own Enron
"Keep America Strong; Sponsor an Enron Exec: Ask Me How!"
T-shirt to wear
proudly.

And thank you so very much!

Dictionary





> >Cigarette - A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at
one end & a
>fool on the other.
> >
> >Divorce - Future tense of marriage.
> >
> >Lecture - An art of transferring information from the notes
of the the
>students without passing through "the minds of either"
> >
> >Conference - The confusion of one man multiplied by the
number present.
> >
> >Compromise - The art of dividing a cake in such a way that
everybody
>believes he got the biggest piece.
> >
> >Tears - The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is
defeated by
>feminine water power...
> >
> >Dictionary - A place where success comes before work.
> >
> >Conference Room - A place where everybody talks, nobody
listens and
>everybody disagrees later on.
> >
> >Classic - A book which people praise, but do not read.
> >
> >Smile - A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
> >
> >Office - A place where you can relax after your strenuous
home life.
> >
> >Yawn - The only time some married men ever get to open their
mouth.
> >
> >Etc. - A sign to make others believe that you know more than
you actually
>do.
> >
> >Committee - Individuals who can do nothing individually and
sit to decide
>that nothing can be done together.
> >
> >Experience - The name men give to their mistakes.
> >
> >Atom Bomb - An invention to end all inventions.
> >
> >Philosopher - A fool who torments himself during life, to be
spoken of when
>dead.
> >
> >Diplomat - A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way
that you
>actually look forward to the trip.
> >
> >Opportunist - A person who starts taking bath if he
accidentally falls into
>a river.
> >
> >Optimist - A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says
in midway "See
>I am not injured yet."
> >
> >Miser - A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
> >
> >Father - A banker provided by nature.
> >
> >Criminal - A guy no different from the rest....except that he
got caught.
> >
> >Boss - Someone who is early when you are late and late when
you are early.
> >
> >Politician - One who shakes your hand before elections and
your Confidence
>after.
> >
> >Doctor - A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you
with his
>bills.
> >

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just
kiln
time.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong
way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your
mother.

Shotgun wedding A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so
they
gave
me the axe.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your
imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that
morality
comes from morons?

"In Speech, Bush Calls Iraq, Iran and North Korea 'Axis of
Evil" --
N.Y.
Times, 1/30/02

ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA SYRIA FORM AXIS OF "JUST AS
EVIL"
Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations
Start Own
Clubs

Beijing (SatireWire.com) Bitter after being snubbed for
membership in
the
"Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they
had formed
the
"Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler
than that
stupid
Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State
of the
Union
address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new
axis as
having,
for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as
Evil... in
their
dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody
knows
we're
the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being
excluded,
although
they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar
al-Assad.

"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi
President
Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World
War II
you
had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only
have
three.
And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

THE AXIS PANDEMIC

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was
swift, as
within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate
status in
what
became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia
said they
had
formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with
Uganda
and
Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria,
Indonesia and
Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just
Generally
Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs
filling
up,
Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the
Axis of
Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to
Host
the
Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of
Nations That
Are
Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About
America,
while
Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of
Countries That
Be
Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do,"
said
Scottish
Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't
perhaps
making
fun
of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes,
although he
rejected
the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in
"Guay,"
accusing one of its members of filing a false application.
Officials
from
Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis,
but
privately,
world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

Copyright C 2002, SatireWire.

http://www.satirewire.com/news/jan02/axis.shtml

> *Get Your Own*
>
> One day a group of scientists got together and decided that
man had come
> a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one
scientist to go
> and tell Him that they were done with Him.
>
> The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided
that we no
> longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people
and do many
> miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost?"
>
> God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the
scientist
> was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's
say we
> have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied,
"Okay, great!"
>
> But, God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did
back in the
> old days with Adam."
>
> The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and
grabbed himself
> a handful of dirt.
>
> God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own
dirt."

Subject: Once upon this time at Band Camp

This is from a Washington Post Invitational contest -- Readers
were asked
to combine the works of two authors, and to provide a suitable
description
of the merged book. The prizewinners:

"Machiavelli's The Little Prince" - Antoine de Saint-Exupery's
classic
children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human
nature is
embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of
whom are
executed.

"Green Eggs and Hamlet" - Would you kill him in his bed? Thrust
a dagger
through his head? I would not, could not, kill the King. I could
not do
that evil thing. I would not wed this girl, you see. Now get her
to a
nunnery.

"Where's Walden?" - Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David
Thoreau in
each richly-detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly
becomes
clear that he is always in the woods.

"Catch-22 in the Rye" - Holden learns that if you're insane,
you'll
probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of
prep
school, you're probably not insane.

"2001: A Space Iliad" - The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane
10-year war
against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug.

"Rikki-Kon-Tiki-Tavi"- Thor Heyerdahl recounts his attempt to
prove
Rudyard Kipling's theory that the mongoose first came to India
on a raft
from Polynesia.

"The Maltese Faulkner" - Is the black bird a tortured symbol of
Sam's
struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of
soul along
with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his
attempts
to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil?

"Jane Eyre Jordan" - Plucky English orphan girl survives
hardships to lead
the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship.

"Looking for Mr. Godot" - A young woman waits for Mr. Right to
enter her
life. She has a loooong wait.

"The Scarlet Pimpernel Letter" - An 18th-century English
nobleman leads a
double life, freeing comely young adulteresses from the prisons
of
post-Revolution France.

"Lorna Dune" - An English farmer, Paul Atreides, falls for the
daughter of
a notorious rival clan, the Harkonnens, and pursues a career as
a giant
worm jockey in order to impress her.

"The Remains of the Day of the Jackal" - A formal English butler
puts his
loyalty to his employer above all else, until he is persuaded to
join a
plot to assassinate Charles de Gaulle.

"The Invisible Man of La Mancha"- Don Quixote discovers a
mysterious
elixir, which renders him invisible. He proceeds to go on a mad
rampage of
corruption and terror, attacking innocent people in the streets
and all
the while singing "To Fight the Invisible Man!" until he is
finally
stopped by a windmill.

"Of Three Blind Mice and Men" - Burgess Meredith has his limbs
hacked off
by a psychopathic farmer's wife. Did you ever see such a sight
in your
life?

"Planet of the Grapes of Wrath" - Astronaut lands on mysterious
planet
only to discover that it is his very own home planet of Earth
which has
been taken over by the Joads, a race of dirt-poor corn farmers
who
miraculously developed rudimentary technology and regained the
ability to
speak after exposure to nuclear radiation.

"Paradise Lost in Space" - Satan, Moloch, and Belial are
sentenced to
spend eternity in a flying saucer with a goofy robot, an evil
scientist,
and two annoying children.

"The Exorstentialist" - Camus psychological thriller about a
priest who
casts out a demon by convincing it that there's really no
purpose to what
it's doing.

> The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:
>
> Collie + Lhasa Apso
> Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
>
> Spitz + Chow Chow
> Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
>
> Pointer + Setter
> Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
>
> Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
> Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
>
> Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
> Peekasso, an abstract dog
>
> Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
> Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
>
> Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
> Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
>
> Newfoundland + Basset Hound
> Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
>
> Terrier + Bulldog
> Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
>
> Bloodhound + Labrador
> Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
>
> Malamute + Pointer
> Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
>
> Collie + Malamute
> Commute, a dog that travels to work
>
> Deerhound + Terrier
> Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
>
> Bull Terrier + ShihTzu
> Oh, never mind...
>

> In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed
through
> stupidity,
> here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
>
> > > > > On a Sear's hairdryer:
> > > > > .. Do not use while sleeping.
> > > > > (damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my
hair).
> > > > >
> > > > > On a bag of Fritos:
> > > > > ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
> > > > > Details in side. (the shoplifter special)?
> > > > >
> > > > > On a bar of Dial soap:
> > > > > "Directions: Use like regular soap."
> > > > > (and that would be how???....)
> > > > >
> > > > > On some Swanson frozen dinners:
> > > > > "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
> > > > > (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
> > > > >
> > > > > On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
> > > > > "Do not turn upside down."
> > > > > (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
> > > > >
> > > > > On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
> > > > > "Product will be hot after heating."
> > > > > (...and you thought????...)
> > > > >
> > > > > On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
> > > > > "Do not iron clothes on body."
> > > > > (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
> > > > >
> > > > > On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
> > > > > "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking
this
> medication."
> > > > > (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction
accidents if
>
> we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those
forklifts.)
>
> > > > On Nytol Sleep Aid:
> > > > > "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
> > > > > (and...I'm taking this because???....)
> > > > >
> > > > > On most brands of Christmas lights:
> > > > > "For indoor or outdoor use only."
> > > > > (as opposed to...what)?
> > > > >
> > > > > On a Japanese food processor:
> > > > > "Not to be used for the other use."
> > > > > (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit
curious.)
> > > > >
> > > > > On Sunsbury's peanuts:
> > > > > "Warning: contains nuts."
> > > > > (talk about a news flash)
> > > > >
> > > > > On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
> > > > > "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
> > > > > (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
> > > > >
> > > > > On a child's superman costume:
> > > > > "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
> > > > > (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for
this one.)
> > > > >
> > > > > On a Swedish chainsaw:
> > > > > "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals."
> > > > > (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening
somewhere?)
>

New Taliban Towns

Now that our B-52's are reorganizing Afghanistan's landscape,
U.S.
intelligence has discovered that the Taliban have renamed some
of their
towns to confuse us. These new names include:

1) Wherz-myroof
2) Mykamel-izded
3) Oshit-Disisabad
4) Waddi -El-Izgowinon
5) Pleez-Ztopdishit
6) Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi
7) Ikantstan-Disnomore
8) Wha-Tafuk-Wazi-Tinkin
9) Myturbin-Izburnin
10) Imma-Dedshmuck

Happy New Year !!

Dear Santa:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every
year,
playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy
bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too
many tea
parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY
PAYBACK
TIME! There had better be some changes around here by next
Christmas, or
I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you
won't wanna
be around to smell it).

So, here's my holiday wish list:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
sweat
shirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
these
bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels
like to
have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably
white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation
underwear to
my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo
over that
wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that
earring
anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him
(and me)

anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned
Ken-wimp
away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to
twist,
just get it done.
6. A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut
it. How
about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account
exec.
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with
a
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and
a bag
of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
outfitted
with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie",
sporting a
removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my
vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years. I think I deserve
it.
Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to
society,
I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree,
then you
can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that
simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

Subject: Parachute

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on
board, but
only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger, said "I'm Kobe Bryant, The best NBA
Basketball
player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die.."
So, he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said in her natural
masculine
voice, "I am the wife of the former President of the United
States, I am
the most ambitious woman in the world, hear me roar, I am also
a New
York Senator and a potential future President." She took the
the pack
next to her, forced her way through and jumped out of the
plane.

The third passenger, George W Bush, said, "I'm President of the
United
States, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a
superpower
nation. And above all I'm the cleverest President in American
history,
so America's people won't let me die". So, he put on the
parachute next
to him and jumped out of the plane.

The fourth passenger, The Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a
10
year-old
school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years
left, as a
Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last
parachute.

The boy said, "It's Ok, there's a parachute left for you. The
pushy
potential President has taken my school backpack.

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman
who was
waiting for a bus was
wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her
turn to
get on, she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up
to the
height of the first
step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to
the bus
driver, she reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would
give
her enough slack to raise
her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she
still
couldn't. So, a little
more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her
skirt a
little more, and
for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to
her
chagrin, she could not
raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again
reached
behind to unzip a little
more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a
large
Texan who was
standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed
her
gently on the step of
the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan
and
yelled, "How dare you
touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled
and
drawled, "Well, ma'am,
normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly
three
times, I kinda figured
we was friends."

Anagram is a word or phrase made by transposing
or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.


George Bush:
When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore

Dormitory:
When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room

Evangelist:
When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent

Desperation:
When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code:
When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots

Slot Machines:
When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in em

Animosity:
When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity

Mother-in-law:
When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms:
When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's

A Decimal Point:
When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes:
When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two:
When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one


And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:

It can be rearranged (With no letters left over, and using each
letter only once) into: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERN

Oh! These are goodies:

> Axioms to Live or Die By...
> >
> > 1.) Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have
film.
> >
> > 2.) He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
> >
> > 3.) A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
> >
> > 4.) On the other hand, you have different fingers.
> >
> > 5.) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
> >
> > 6.) Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
> >
> > 7.) I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
> >
> > 8.) When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
> >
> > 9.) Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
> >
> > 10.) Those who live by the sword get shot by those who
don't.
> >
> > 11.) I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel
universe.
> >
> > 12.) He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically
challenged.
> >
> 13.) She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the
Juneflower.
> 14.) You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say
will be
> > misquoted, then used against you.
> >
> > 15.) I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without
sponges.
> >
> > 16.) Honk if you love peace and quiet.
> >
> > 17.) Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
> >
> > 18.) Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it
remains so
> > popular?
> >
> > 19.) Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool
> >
>

Why am I not surprised?

Iraqi people expressed regret on Sunday at the US space shuttle disaster, but thanked “God Almighty” that the dead astronauts included an Israeli who was a fighter pilot in the 1981 air raid which destroyed their country’s embryonic nuclear reactor.

Region reacts to Columbia disaster