***Breakdown***

I don't remember what time I felt it. I know, though, I was in the coffeeshop.

I had all these great plans for this week. Writing, working out (weights), housework, etc. And I knew I squandered it. Big time. And I felt all the emotions--anger, guilt, shame, etc.--as I read the latest specs on the Mazda6 5-door (i.e., hatchback), my latest car obsession.

I realized it was the loss of the Boeing-affiliate job opp. Rationally, it made sense. The company wanted someone more technical-oriented. But feelings are not rational and my self-esteem plunged.

Actually, that's too easy an excuse. I dug deeper and realized it was shock alright, but shock over one of the best jobs I've worked so far.

That I can deal with. I had felt the same way when I was let go from Sprint PCS.

It's not over. But knowing what was the cause is the first step. I drew upon that knowledge when I drew up my new ToDo lists.

Gotta run. Bills to pay.

***And the (hair)line's crossed***

(Image found on the Internet and all rights belong to its owner.)

It started with the hair.

I've noticed for some time that my hairline had been receding. But it wasn't until the haircut two months ago--when I changed my style--that I finally admitted the obvious that I was losin' it. My hair, that is.

So Rogaine joined the shopping basket with the melatonin and metamucil. But the recession was but the starting line for a myriad of other changes that have been hitting hard up to the present:

I no longer find job changes as interesting opportunities as I did as recent as two years ago. I'd like to find something stable. I have too many projects and commitments to devote time looking for that next job.

Mortality is hitting home. Not only will I be losing family members within a decade, but more of my peers are losing loved ones. And I can't easily let it go like I did in my younger days. (Ah, the ignorance--and optimism--of youth.)

As a reminder of my own personal mortality: my gut's getting bigger (and harder to get rid of), my endurance is shorter, and aches and pains are lasting longer. Same with The Spouse, who, being older, has been supportive but--I suspect--a bit gleeful--that we're approaching the same (low) plateau.

I know all this is normal. (Well, except the job situ but that's a rant for another time.) And the flipside of getting older is knowing how to deal with all these changes. No, not whining (I don't drink anyway) but the wisdom (hah!) to look at the situation coldly and say, "okay, what's the least painful way to deal with this latest bump on the road of life? And how much will it cost me?"

And I have a wonderful guide showing me the way. I called my mom yesterday morning. She was glad to hear from me, but said she was on her way out.

"Where you goin'" I asked.

"To my computer class."

"What?" I couldn't help the sound of surprise in my voice. My mom laughed.

"Yes. There's a basic computer course taught at the local library. It's free for seniors and this is my third day." She then went on to discuss her typing efforts and her "training" from my dad and her previous work as a registered nurse.

"I helped several of the people there," she said. "After the teacher's done talking, the lady next to me turned and asked, 'what do I do now?'" She laughed. "She still didn't know what to do with the mouse!"

(Image found on the Internet and all rights belong to its owner.)

***Rollin, rollin, rollin***

Dropped off the car at a local Mazda dealership and rented a Mazda Tribute for my pains. Yeah!

Lunched with one of my siblings. Ugh. Those sushi rolls are really filling.

I enjoyed the time. We haven't had a chance to chat without either children or spouses with us. We discussed our parents (of course), other sister, and our lives in general. Note to self: my sister is a worry-wart as much as me. Scary.

Spoke with The Spouse sporadically throughout the day. R. will be coming home tonight. Yeah!

Got a sad e-mail message from one of my ex-co-workers. Though her department was one of those closed, she was asked to stay for at least another month. She said it was quite dead in the building and she missed the comraderie from everyone. Sigh. I know how she feels.

Working out tonight. Then writing. Will push working on the bills to tomorrow after applying for my unemployment stuff from the EDD.

***One door closes, another opens***

Last Friday was the last day at my work. Today (Monday) is the beginning of, well, a beginning.

I love to write "To Do" list. (Doing the items is a different matter entirely.) To "celebrate" my first day of unemployment, I'm listing all the things I either need or want to do today:

• Clear out and bring car to the shop to fix A/C. Priority 1.
• Join sister for lunch. Priority 1.
• Hit the gym. Priority 2.
• Write on works-in-progress (WIPs). Priority 1.
• Contact contractors about...things. Priority 1.
• Contact the Employment Development Department (EDD) to apply for unemployment. Priority 2.
• Housework. Priority 2.
• Call parents. Priority 1.
• Bills. (Ugh.) Priority 1.
• Look for new job opps. Priority 3.
  
• Follow up with previously applied job opps. Priority 2.
• Contact agencies about job opps. Priority 2.
• Bring suit to drycleaners. Priority 1.
  
• Food shop. Priority 3.
  

(Image found on the Internet and all rights belong to its owner.)